Oh Johan!

I DEDICATE THIS TO JOHAN CHRISTOPH.
WRITTEN WHEN HE WAS STILL INSIDE MOMMY’S TUMMY
YOU’RE THE WORLD’S BEST GIFT.
I HOPE THAT WHEN YOU GROW UP,
YOU WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER
THAT YOU WERE ONCE MY LITTLE BABY
AND THAT YOU ARE WELL LOVED.

Dear Johan,
I found out about you in between meetings and groceries. I was late for 3 days and I told your daddy that I have never been late in my period. There is also this funny feeling in my tummy that I have never felt before. I had this hunch that there’s something different in my body that’s why after a week, I had my pregnancy exam. Did it 3 times to make sure we had you.

It was a mixed feeling. Both your daddy and me just had our honeymoon. We’ve been married for a month and here we are almost on the brink of a major event in our lives. Mommy had her checkup with her OB to make sure you are truly on the way to our lives. I had 3 doctors confirmed I was indeed pregnant with you. You will be our first born that’s why we didn’t leave anything to chance. We got the best doctor we can find to make sure your mommy and most especially you, are well taken care of.

Johan, this was a new adventure for mommy. And as most first-time mothers experienced, nobody can prepare you for this precious responsibility. For the first time, I had to experience some painful truths and realities. Carrying you was never an easy experience but one that I very much welcome and will never ever regret. I had the worst headache every morning, I vomit regularly, nauseous most of the time, I feel feverish half of the first trimester and just plain irritable. I get that flare ups and mood swings. Usually daddy becomes the direct hit. And almost everyday, he bears that spur-of-the-moment madness.

I think this would also be a good time to apologize to your daddy for all the craziness, lunacy and hang ups I had while carrying you. As well as thank him for putting up with your mommy. I think baby that daddy really loves mommy so much for suffering under my pregnancy spell and staying with mommy despite everything. I was tired most of the time, I think they describe it as lethargic. I was also not feeling like myself so daddy supported me and told me stories and gave me gifts so that I will always feel good about myself. Daddy often tells me that if he can just divide or remove the pain so that he gets all of it so mommy won’t be alone in bearing the pain of pregnancy, he would do it. That’s your Daddy baby, he is the sweetest. Daddy kisses my tummy all the time and talks to you and hugs you and sings to you and hums and plays music because studies say that music stimulates you while inside my tummy. Johan, we are lucky to have daddy with us because it softens the aches and replaced it with his tender loving care.

With each day, as you grow inside of me, I feel a sense of calmness. Maybe this is what motherhood is all about. And as you are about to come into our lives, everything seemed perfectly in place and ok and with a purpose. Not until after two months. I thought I will have a normal pregnancy and will breeze through the 9 months with ease but to no avail. During the first two months, my doctor found a cyst near where you are. It was growing fast like you so she recommended that we had it removed via operation. It was something that we didn’t anticipate and that tested our faith in Papa Jesus.

On my 3rd month, I had my operation to keep you safe and secure in your place. My doctor opened my tummy and took out the cyst near you. My friends, your godparents used to call it dermaloid/dermalin. Daddy said that s/he was your twin sibling. It was just a joke baby but one can never know. Perhaps s/he was your sibling just not as strong as you are that’s why s/he had a brief life. Johan, I had a short glimpse of where you are cocooned and it’s the most amazing thing in the world to see you. You are too tiny then and perhaps with no semblance yet of human form but I know in my heart and soul that you’re the bravest little creature in the world and you made mommy the proudest. I was hesitant at first to be cut open and was too afraid of what might happen to you. And the doctor said that it’s normal in any operation that something might go wrong but that it was necessary and crucial to take out the cyst because in the long run, it might cause danger to both of us if left there. I think I prayed the hardest for everything to be ok and for you to be safe. I didn’t let daddy see how scared I am and how I cried at night when I prayed about what was about to happen but I know that God will protect you so we took the chance and left everything to him. And even if I’m too scared of what might happen, I know that our faith will see us through and God will never leave us no matter what.

It was 15 days before Christmas when I had the operation. Everything went well. You are so strong and brave baby. They even had a picture of the cyst and the little sac you were in. Daddy held me as they wheeled me to the operating room and he waited outside to make sure we are both ok. In just less than 2 hours, you were back inside my tummy and I’m on my way to recovery.

During my second trimester, mommy had another challenging experience. I had an allergy. Itchiness, flakiness, swelling, reddish marks and sores that left me with a really ugly tummy. I was so upset because I was thinking that with all the ointment and meds that I have been taking, it might affect you. I was always complaining with your daddy because the rashes and itchiness are too much to handle. Every night, daddy put hot compress on my swelling belly and rubbed it gently to soothe the inflammation. I think it worked because after my 2nd trimester, it was gone and my tummy is normal again.

It was my last trimester when I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. This means that I have high blood glucose levels because I do not secrete excess insulin required during pregnancy. This means I need to monitor my food intake everyday, inject insulin and refrain from stressful activities. I had my food diary and my daily dose of insulin which daddy injects thrice everyday. Sometimes it’s frustrating when you cannot eat what you want, the insulin might also have an effect on mommy, add in the pregnancy factor and you’ll get a really pissed off woman. Because of hormonal imbalance, mommy sometimes had sudden outbreak that left daddy speechless. Perhaps you’ve been hearing it and feeling it before. Please accept my apologies because mommy is not herself and I will prove to you that once you go out of my tummy and into this world, I will never ever explode on you unless it’s necessary.

Johan, you have brought out the best in me especially when facing challenges and crisis. You made me want to be a better person and you gave me more reasons to work, live and love. You gave me a new perspective and the greatest gift in the world. Everything makes sense now that you are about to come. I just hope and pray that the world will treat you fair and right. Daddy and mommy will always be here to hold your hand when you need leading, to hug you tight when you need comforting and to kiss you when you need understanding.

You’re almost perfect now. As I go through my last 2 weeks, I have visions of you as a newborn, a baby, a toddler, teen, young adult and in all those visions, I pray that daddy and mommy will still be strong enough to be there for you.

Baby Johan, please accept my apologies in advance. As I become a new mom, I may not be able to give you everything you want but I promised that everything you need, we’ll provide. I am not an expert on babies so I may commit some mistakes, blunders but these are unintentional and if I could just enroll in a class to make sure I do everything for you perfectly, I would but as they say no one can really prepare you for this. I will be as gentle as a wind when carrying you and I will always regard you as fragile. You mean the world to us that’s why we would never intentionally hurt or make you cry. For the times that we are too slow to respond to your needs like preparing your milk or changing your nappies, please forgive us. We’re adjusting with your body clock baby but daddy and mommy love you. For the occasional trips that daddy and mommy will take without you, always remember that every second that you are not within sight, we are missing you and we will make sure that once you are ready and able to join us, we will reserve a seat asap for you.

We’re almost there, few more days before mommy sees you. For the time being, I will savor the last days of you inside of me. You will soon see the light. You will soon see, hear, touch, smell daddy and mommy. I will soon hold you in my arms, hug you like teddy, kiss you like crazy. I will soon see your cute chubby face and your cute smile. We’re almost there so please hang on baby. Come out alive, well, complete and healthy. Come out smiling to the world. I know you’ll do great. I love you so much baby. Daddy and mommy are excited and eagerly waiting for your arrival. Be safe. Stay a happy baby. See you soon Johan Christoph! I will forever love you!

PS. Thank you Papa Jesus for showing us the way and guiding us and helping us understand each other. Thank you for making me well and Johan as well during the operation and thank you for letting me experience this wonderful stage called pregnancy and soon motherhood. We love you so much!
Your mommy with your loving daddy