Growing older, getting married and having a child change you in ways you cannot even imagine. Having a baby really changed you like never before. It made me become more sensitive to issues that were once trivial and irrelevant to my life. Things like extra batteries, stocks of diapers, an extra can of formula milk, spare baby soap and infant vitamins were now usual fixtures of our pantry cabinet. Instead of a dresser, we now have a huge cabinet and occupying the topmost part is the sterilizer and completing the casts are the feeding bottles and the milk dispenser and the pacifiers we call ‘patotot’.
I have now mastered the art of getting up in the middle of the night, one hand preparing milk while the other patting my baby to sleep. My sleeping habit has transformed from regular to light to zero. My baby boy has become the center of our lives, the center of our universe where we revolve and orbit and he is the sun.
To tell you the truth, I have never been a baby-loving person when I was younger. I like kids in general but not to the extent of cuddling them for hours or staying with them or playing with them like a mom would do to a child or even a friend I know would do to someone’s kid. I’m not that patient and I would never trade my serenity to a life of frantic calls to the pedia or harried runs in the middle of the night to prepare milk or change nappies or stop a crying hyena.
But I believe that when God wants you to become a wife and a mother, he makes sure he changes your heart to make you one. Not as perfect as the others but just right. As my baby boy grows up healthy everyday, I’ve made some realizations that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. I would never trade my painful contractions and my 15-hour labor for a smaller waist or flatter tummy. I would never trade my no eating of anything delicious as part of my strict diet due to my gestational diabetes for a mark-free belly. As I fulfill my role as a mom, I’ve become less judgmental of other people and myself. We do what we gotta do the best way we can give the time and the circumstances.
Children and old people have always been close to my heart but now it has magnified to a million. I feel broken and my heart shatters into pieces whenever I see them in the streets. I’ve become considerate and a little less callous. I have always been impulsive when I was young but I’ve learned and is constantly learning the value of patience. My baby or all babies have a language of their own and that’s one thing I have learned from them. No amount of money in the world can help you decipher their language. No baby is the same so it doesn’t necessarily follow that what works for the baby of your friend will work for your baby. You are responsible for whatever happens to him so I make sure i get all the right information before I give in to the latest megasale.
I always think that life will be harder with a baby but surprisingly it is easier, lovelier and more purpose-driven. After a hard day’s work, I look forward to his hearty smiles, small laughs, oohs and aahs. At the end of the day, I look forward to his small hugs and cute cries. At the end of the day, I look forward to our bonding moments. My baby made me appreciate life even more, even with a bulging tummy, numerous stretch marks, a forgetful mind and a discolored skin due to allergy. I know my body won’t be the same but then again, nobody is perfect anyway. And eventually those who have the body to die for will eventually give way to old age. And I’d rather have that imperfect body to live for so that I can take care of my baby. I have realized that I cannot always protect him that’s why I only hope that I have made him capable of protecting himself if he needs it in the future. If he falls and bleeds, I have the saints to call on that he may have the courage to stand up and move forward. For I know that broken hearts have a way of making us more understanding and compassionate so I will let him experience what it feels like to love, long, learn and live. I have accepted that in the future my baby will leave me to carve his own world and I just hope that I made him strong enough to make it through this life.
My baby has given me the confidence to enjoy life despite the challenges. It gave me the freedom to see the beauty of an imperfect world. They say freedom comes from knowing who you are and caring less of what others think of you. I guess for me, freedom comes when you know who you are and are able to see the wisdom that comes from what others think of you and the confidence to know that they are just envious of your happiness. Most of the time!
You know, I have dreamt this all my life and I feel so blessed and lucky to have it all come true. Sometimes I cry at night and I pray so hard that God wouldn’t take these away from me because He has truly given me a life I hope I deserve. I cannot complain. I can only be thankful for a great God that never falters and is always there. Maybe other lives have better stories or more riches, others may include more drama and less errors but I wouldn’t change even a single thing in my life despite the many flaws and mistakes of the past because though my life may be imperfect, it’s my life and it’s mine.
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